When I was 15, I was assessed by a psych as showing strong signs of PTSD and ADD and it was advised I receive immediate consultations with a regular psychiatrist and have a regular therapist. I wasn’t informed until I was 21 of the results of that assessment. As I was under Children’s Aid’s Care, no further action was taken to get me the help I obviously needed. Now I’m 23, and have been out of the system for some years. I am not in any financial position to get the help that I need. I was wondering if anyone has any advice. I also want to post a list of my most common and debilitating “symptoms” or “problems” so that anyone with similar problems can write me back and tell me what they were diagnosed with, or lead me in a direction to research.

Pre-Occupation with death – To say the least, I’m terrified of death for no apparent reason. I think about it all day long, every single day, for a couple of years now. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. It’s stressful and depressing, and while I should think to make the best of my life while I have it, it’s just debilitating and scary as hell. At the same time, I have very little desire to live, and nothing to look forward to. In the last 5 years, I have literally accomplished nothing, I am in the exact same position I was in 5 years ago.
Insomnia… sort of. I get less that 5 a day, on a good day, and “day” being the key word. I CANNOT sleep at night time, ever, even if I force myself to stay awake during the day so I’m exhausted at night, I won’t be able to sleep. I will lay there for hours upon hours, until sunlight comes back up, and then I will be able to sleep. Leaving lights on doesn’t cut it. I get manic at night.
Anti-social – I don’t make friends easily, I don’t like to leave my house and do things, and I can’t relate to other people my age. I feel like my life is so different from other people’s lives that I cannot connect with their experiences and they cannot connect to mine. I’m also hugely negative, which impacts my ability to communicate with others. I feel completely detached from everyone else.
Racing thoughts – My brain is constantly racing from one thought to the next, about death, my failures, everything I’ve messed up, my fears, usually all negative thoughts, bouncing at lightening speeds in and out of my head. I can’t concentrate on anything.
I can’t stick to anything – I get bored, easily, and distracted. Any job that is routine, same thing day in and out, I can’t do. Even school, I can’t stick with it, I lose all motivation quickly with no apparent cause.
No control over emotions – 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds. Any emotion, anger, sadness, manic, whatever. It’s like the snap of your fingers, and I can’t control it. I have sudden out bursts over nothing.
I feel absolutely worthless and sad and hopeless.
Re-occurring nightmares – Some events that have happened and other randomly frightening ones that are so off and nothing like any experience I’ve ever had.
I have horrible organizational skills and I procrastinate everything. I frequently forget things, appointments, or things that I meant to do because I procrastinate so long I lose it. I also forget simple things, I can be in the middle of an argument, and complete lose what the argument was about or what has been said, like I was dropped into someone else’s argument mid sentence and I have no idea what’s going on.

Here is the very short and sweet on my life. At 8 months old, my mother left and completely abandoned my sister and I, left to live with our father. He was sexually and physically abusive. Children’s Aid was involved numerous times but never removed us. At 14, I ratted him out for his online child pornography addiction so I could leave. It was the only thing I could do to keep myself safe. The only family I had ever known growing up was his side, who all disowned me after all this happened. I went into the foster care system and bounced at least 15-20 times. I never finished highschool, I never got to stay in one place long enough and I eventually dropped out after being switched highschools 5 times. I never formed a relationship with my mother. Last she spoke to me, she said she never came back because she hated me, never felt like I was hers, and couldn’t stand me. She said there was never a bond, and she had to leave. The day she left when I was 8 mths, she smothered me until I turned blue and she thought I was dead. I have been completely and utterly alone ever since entering the system. I have never found a place where I belong, or people I can connect with. I know I need help, serious help, but I’m just looking for an avenue to start looking since I can’t afford the help I need.
It’s also worth mentioning I have been on several different anti depressants and ALL have made me m
Thank you for the helpful advice, especially to Tabby and Kikiriki. I’d like to choose both as best answer.